White House Further Clarifies Conflicting Details of Bin Laden Raid (or "I have a narrative I can provide to you".)

(2:00PM) White House press secretary Jay Carney is asked about the discrepancies in the White House's account of the bin Laden attack. "What is true," he says, is that "we provided a great deal of information with great haste.""Obviously, some of the information was -- came in piece by piece and is being reviewed and updated and elaborated upon," he says. "I have a narrative that I can provide to you on the raid itself, on the bin Laden compound."

(2:02PM) Of bin Laden, Carney says "He was not armed. Resistance does not require a firearm," Carney says, "but the information I gave you is what I can tell you."

(2:09PM) Jay Carney is asked about the "assaulter" rushed by a woman when Osama bin Laden was being attacked. The White House press secretary says he doesn't have details about who was firing, and he says the team entered the room one at a time.

(2:36PM) Carney then reads his notes: In the room with bin Laden was bin Laden's wife. She "rushed one of the U.S assaulters" and was shot, not killed. A woman on the first floor was killed "in the crossfire." Bin Laden's wife was unarmed, he says.

(2:37PM) "No she had arms. She was just un-armed. She didn't have a weapon."

(2:44PM) He notes that Obama promised as a candidate to get bin Laden. As far as "transparency", reduced spending, reduced deficit, increased jobs, the closure of the Guantanamo Bay facility, the implementation of civilian trials for detainees and a better national stature abroad goes, Carney responded that "(the President) also got his kids a dog, so that's two promises kept right there. Think about that."

(2:45PM) White House carny Jay Spokesperson clarifies that bin Laden had heard the noise of the helicopters over the compound, was startled out of bed, tripped over a Fischer-Price toy and fell down a flight of stairs in the dark, sustaining a massive and fatal head injury.

(2:52PM) WH says that the bin Ladin compound was home to 57 malnourished cats.

(2:53PM) WH corrects number of cats to 106 and adds that there was also an illegal football pool being conducted, and many pirated movies were found in the library.

(3:15PM) (WH press secretary hides under podium where audible sobbing is awkwardly ignored by correspondents for over an hour.)

(4:30PM) WH Press Secretary Carney emerges and states emphatically that he is "winning".

(4:32PM) Carney horrifies press corps by revealing that after photos were taken of OBL in his burial shroud, the body was removed and a mannequin placed in the weighted body bag for burial at sea. The body is being transported to the new underground complex built at the White House as a necro-mechanics research facility, where OBL will be subjected to experimental biochemical modifications and become a bioweaponized zombie. Once he becomes undead he will be returned to Mecca for the hajj where he will do what zombies do and start the Zombie Plague.

(4:35PM) White House further clarifies conflicting details of bin Laden raid. Osama bin Laden came out of the residence dressed in a floral housecoat to put his cat outside for the night. Twenty-five Navy SEALS suddenly appeared, having rappelled to the compound from helicopters. They tear-gassed bin Laden and his cat. While OBL was screaming and wiping his eyes a Navy SEAL got down behind him on his hands and knees while another SEAL shoved bin Laden over the back of the 1st SEAL in what is known in military jargon as a "tabletop". Osama reached up to straighten his hair towel as he had just washed his hair and put it up in curlers, and that is when the SEALS thought he was reaching for a weapon and pre-emptively shot him twice above the eye.