...Congratulations on graduating high school, and congratulations on your eighteenth birthday!
We have to talk.
Your father and I went into your bedroom yesterday. We had to get the cat out from under your bed. (She hides when it's time to give her the seizure medication.) We weren't prying, but we noticed a lot of Bernie Sanders campaign materials in your room, along with a pile of Xeroxed flyers for a protest at McDonald's. I guess you're going to march around with a bandanna on your face for a $15/hr minimum wage. Anyway, your father and I talked about it, and while we understand that you are growing and "finding yourself", we decided that we have too little money saved and invested to be able to risk supporting you any longer.
We are evicting you from our house.
We love you, and so we encourage you to find a job quickly. There are still some minimum wage jobs to be had now, but illegal aliens and robots will get most of them soon, and order-screens will replace the rest. Get some room-mates and find an apartment before the illegal immigrants who are taking the jobs get those too. If you are going to campaign and protest for crazy minimum wages and open borders, your father and I believe that you need to live with the consequences.
We are also taking you off of our insurance. Yes, we know we're allowed to have you on our plan until you're twenty-six, but that isn't a mandate. Yet. You're healthy; we've fed you well for eighteen years and made sure you got your vaccines. Several Thanksgivings ago, you lectured the family about why Obamacare was the greatest thing ever. You wouldn't entertain our concerns about rising premiums and socialized medicine, so we have decided that you should use the laptop we bought for you to sign up for that "free insurance". It's free, right? That's what you kept telling us over dessert. Keeping you on our plan costs money, so go get the free stuff.
It shouldn't surprise you to hear that we won't be paying for your college, either. We assume that a Sanders supporter is not well-acquainted with reality, and maybe some of that is our fault- we worked our fingers to the bone in this blue state to pay taxes, taxes, taxes, and we may not have paid enough attention to your economic education. But since you dream of being a marine biologist at the Seaquarium, we think that you need to pay for that on your own. This decision will ultimately give you a valuable education in supply and demand economics.
By the way, did you ever stop to consider that a lot of your new college friends might feel that the Seaquarium is a cruel oppressor of animals and should be shut down? They probably also feel that all of the dolphins should be able to sue you for damages. You should consider these things before talking about your career plans at parties.
We didn't share your jubilation when State University accepted you because we knew you were a mediocre student, at best. Most colleges will bend over backward to accept students despite average grades and no extracurricular activities. Honey, the truth is that you represent a source of money in the form of student loans. You are a customer. Tuition is high because student loans are easy to get, and administrator salaries are six-figure. You've been stumping for "free tuition"? There's no "free". Someone always pays. It'll be your dad and I, in the form of higher taxes, and ultimately it'll be you, in the form of worthless degrees that are not in demand by employers.You will have to pay off your loans, and that will be hard to do when you are working in a depressed economy.
Speaking of feelings, we also figured that the current climate on campus meant you'd be sucked into attending a lot of protests, and these will cut into your study time. You will be shown all kinds of things to complain about and be offended by, a whole world of umbrage you never suspected could exist! If you graduate from a "Marine Mammal Advocacy program" or whatever you're going to do, your father and I don't particularly want to be greeted at your college graduation with a lecture on our "white privilege" while your hand is out looking for new car money.
In short, if you are helping to bring about ruin to everything your father and I have built up over our lives so far, then we are going to be the "greedy rich people" and conserve what we can for our old age. We don't feel you will be selfless enough to care for us when that time comes, and there won't be any Social Security. We'll spend the next couple of weeks boxing your things; you can come pick them up and move them to wherever you're staying.
Sincerely,
Mom & Dad
P.S. When you come to Thanksgiving this year, your dad and I will ask you for reparations. Bring money.
