My husband, Alan, gave me the pet name "Pinchy". ("Pinch" for short.) It vies with "Tantor" for frequency of use, though "Tantor" is used mainly when I am being prodded to move a little more quickly, as in "Unk, Tantor, unk." (For those deprived neglectarinos who never picked up and read any of the Edgar Rice Burroughs "Tarzan" novels, "Tantor" is the apes' word for "elephant", and "unk" means "go".) "Pinch" is the default nickname, used when I am needed to find things, spell out words Alan wants to type as he works on papers or lessons, and when I am asked a question or otherwise summoned. If I am called by my Christian name, I know that the household atmosphere is frosty due to squabbling or that there is an emergency . If Alan calls me "Pinch" everything is fine.
This pet name was inspired by a completely unfounded and inexplicably stubborn misconception on his part regarding a "crabby" quality I am often accused of exhibiting. It's preposterous, of course. I am nothing if not the epitome of bubbling charm and a reliable elicitor of delighted giggles from small children. Despite this, and despite the suitability of three perfectly-delightful pet names previously given to me by Alan over the decade he and I have been together, "Pinchy" is the one that has withstood the test of time and will likely be mine forever.
In the admittedly rare occasion when I actually am justifiably (and only ever moderately) "pinchy", Alan will tease me by forming his hands into crab claws and making pincher motions with them. He puts on an exaggerated crabby-face and says things like, "Oh! she's so pinchy! So very pinchy! We'll have to put rubber-bands on her pinchers!" The man knows no shame. It doesn't matter if we are in the privacy of our home or on public transportation, Alan feels at liberty to tease me out of a foul mood whenever one appears. If he's across the room from me and senses I'm irritated about something, I see the hands go up and make pinching motions. It's cute. It makes being crabby a lot more difficult to have someone doing that at you. This attitude of his is probably going to be a major factor in our long and happy marriage.
I will confess that I do have a problem with happiness. The problem is that I am not sufficiently happy often enough despite having every reason to be so. The causes of this condition may be varied, but the causes are not as important as the cure. I think the cure involves nothing more exotic than recognition of the problem, acknowledgement that not being happy often enough is a problem, and the active cultivation of a sense of gratitude for the things I have and the things I don't have.
Dennis Prager has written many wonderful books, and in my opinion the most important of these is "Happiness Is A Serious Problem". I won't list all the reasons I have for believing that everyone should read this book, but I will say it has helped me to think more seriously about the importance and role of happiness in our lives and how to cultivate it. I had to mindfully start breaking out of old patterns of thought and behavior. Happiness takes work; it isn't natural and it isn't easy, especially in a world that seems to be mired in madness and superficiality. But happiness is critically important, to ourselves and our own well-being naturally, but also to the well-being and happiness of those who love us. As Dennis Prager points out, "...(W)e have a moral obligation to those around us to be happy." Why a moral obligation? Because our expressions of happiness, or the lack thereof, affect others, especially those who love us. If I seem to be unhappy it affects my husband, because what he wants foremost is for me to be happy. He works hard and sacrifices his own needs and wants for his family's happiness. If the family isn't happy no matter what he does, what is all the sacrifice for?
I am not proficient at happiness, but I think I am better at it than I used to be. Alan has certainly helped a great deal. He is a cheerful and positive person without being saccharine or phony, and I know that he is always putting my wishes before his. It's a lot harder to be crabby when involved in a marriage with someone like Alan. When I do manage it, though, the bouts are shorter-lived and half-hearted. I will become predictably crabby at "worthwhile" things: selfishness, irresponsibility, dishonesty, injustice, ignorance and so on, whether they are others' shortcomings or mine, and it is not only reasonable but good civic-mindedness to be bothered by these things. The "small" stuff is not such an issue anymore, though, and that shows improvement.
So... I am working my way down through smaller and thinner rubber-bands for the pinchers as I accept my status as a recovering crab. I just pray for the courage to snap at the things I should, the serenity to side-step the things I shouldn't pinch at, and the wisdom to know the difference.
